Confession time: I wasn’t planning on posting anything on social media – leave Insta alone – but resistance is futile when it comes to Humanity. Some things are too good to ignore, and this is one of them. So here I am, bypassing the social media noise and turning this into a blog post instead, which I’ll probably link to Insta… Of course, I will.
I recently rewatched Humanity (2018), where Ricky Gervais dared to question the sacred doctrine that childless people are selfish monsters who must be interrogated at every opportunity. His point? ‘Why aren’t they asking people who have children why they have children?’ Why don’t new parents face the same scrutiny? “Congratulations on the baby! But have you considered the moral implications of your reckless breeding?”
In response to Pope Francis’ decree on the selfishness of pet owners (2022), Gervais offered three airtight reasons for his childlessness:
- ‘There are millions.’ (Mathematically true.)
- ‘They are scroungers – me, me, me.’ (Hard to argue, as toddlers don’t pay rent)
- ‘I’d worry about him.’ (A responsible concern before creating a new human.)
This led me down a theological rabbit hole, where I discovered that in January 2022, the Pope condemned those who dare prioritise pets over procreation. ‘Today… we see a form of selfishness,’ he lamented. ‘Some people don’t want a child. They have one, maybe two, but they have dogs and cats that take the place of children.’
Ah yes, the age-old rivalry: Baby vs. Beagle. One drools, demands attention and occasionally destroys furniture. The other is a dog.
Gervais dismissed the Pope’s stance as ‘ridiculous’ and ‘stupid,’ quipping, ‘How can it be selfish not to bring something into the world that doesn’t exist? It’s not like there’s a cage of unborn foetuses crying, “We want to be born.”’ A disturbing image. Someone should check the Vatican basement.
(P.S. I’m ex-Catholic. Left the Church at 11 after my first Holy Communion. The whole Virgin Mary story never sat right with me, much to my father’s dismay. He and the priest (who wasn’t involved in any scandals – just to clarify) thought it was absurd that I questioned the logistics of a divine pregnancy but accepted that stale bread could turn into human flesh. We all have our limits.)
As someone who chose not to have children, I stand with Gervais. The Pope’s view disregards the countless reasons people forgo parenthood – environmental concerns, financial instability, mental health concerns or the realisation that some people just wouldn’t enjoy spending their days scraping mashed bananas off walls. Then, decades later, dealing with fully grown versions who blame you for their problems.
That last part was my mother’s take. The ‘bigger the kids, bigger the problems’ issue. Surely not blaming you for my issues, Ma, Dad? What could be worse? You raise a child as best you can, and in return, they say ‘fuck you’ every day until one of you dies. God forbid.
Please, Lord, never give me a child – unless I choose to adopt or foster. Which, of course, I tried. But some people didn’t like the idea and… well, that’s another story. Boo hoo! Imagine being told you can’t help humanity because someone sees it as a threat to their interests. No, Nicola. Move on. Oh, and they thought you were selfish because you wanted a child… yet they had them. I can laugh now at the hypocrisy. The audacity. Isn’t humanity hilarious when we take a step back and laugh at ourselves? Except some don’t laugh, do they? They take everything personally. And still, when they come across something they don’t like online, they can’t move past it – they have to attack, even if it’s underhanded.
But enough about me and my live theatrics – not having kids is not the point. The point is the Pope.
Here’s the punchline: Pope Francis, as leader of the Catholic Church, has taken a vow of celibacy, ensuring he will never have children. That’s right – the man decrying childlessness has personally committed to never reproducing. By his logic, isn’t he the most selfish of us all? Surely, if pets are a poor substitute for offspring, then an entire city-state full of cardinals and gold-plated goblets is worse.
In the end, the decision to have children – or not – is personal, free from guilt trips imposed by religious leaders or strangers who feel entitled to an explanation. A more inclusive approach, recognising that love, purpose, and contribution extend beyond biological reproduction, would better serve both the Church’s mission. And Humanity’s.
But until then, I’ll continue my life of ultimate sin – imagine feeding my imagined cat without guilt. Wait, I care even more through my veganism. Oh dear, there’s that ‘vulgar’ word. Vegan. As I’ve likely lost most of you by now, I’ll wrap up here.
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*Image created by Leonardo AI and NAB